This is my best attempt at fixing that horrible mess that our
favorite gang was left in at the end of "Last Knight."  If you
didn't see it, this won't make a bit of sense.  Somehow, I don't
think anyone here has to worry about that.  This is also a
prologue to the forthcoming story entitled 'Deliver Me.'

Disclaimers...  Forever Knight and all of its gang are the
property of James Parriott and Sony/Tristar, as we are all
aware.  No copyright infringement is intended.  But I must state
that if they had taken better care of them, well, I wouldn't have
to do this.  I have also borrowed "Paper Sun" which belongs to
Def Leppard.  Again, no infringement is intended.  But I would
like to add that I'm fairly convinced that someone in the band
was watching the show at some point.

Permissions...  Permission to archive to www.fkfanfic.com, fkfanfic2
and the ftp site.  Anyone else, let me know!

So here it is.  This is my first post ever so please be kind....
and.... rewind.  Sorry.  And it has not been beta read, so
beware!

_____________________

Paper Sun (1/5)
by Erin
August 2000
_____________________

"You're living on a paper sun
Blind to all the damage done"


"Nick?  Nick."

"Hm?"

"Hey, are you going to pay attention or do you want me to take
notes for you?"  the slender blonde in front of him demanded.

"What?"

Another voice piped in, from across the table in the center of
the morgue.  "Well, Nick, I could always just send you a copy
once it's made into a TV movie of the week."

Nick shook his head, looking from Natalie to Tracy.  "I'm
sorry,"  he apologized.  "I *am*.  Nat, go on."

"Thanks."  Natalie sent a look of worry and frustration over to
Tracy, and Tracy just shrugged.

Nick watched this little exchange with minimal emotion.  They
thought he was losing it?  Let them.  Maybe he was.  He didn't
know how the pair of them could be so calm after the events all
those months ago.  Oh wait.  That was right.  *They didn't
remember.*

"I apologized,"  he said, more gruffly than he really meant to.
"Go ahead."

Natalie tipped the clipboard back toward her and began again,
ticking off her notes as she covered the fine points of their
latest homicide.  Their latest in a string of related homicides.
Nick sighed as he watched her sweetly rounded mouth work, the
words just shapes on her lips, the sounds lost to his deaf ears.
He wondered if vampires could really experience sporadic
hysterical deafness.  He doubted it.  He shook himself again,
trying to focus on the good Dr. Lambert's findings.

"...but really, he's totally clean.  Hasn't left a damn thing
anywhere on her.  I've got nothing.  Again."  Natalie regarded
the two detectives watching her.  Nick looked... lost.  And Tracy
just looked frustrated.

"Okay,"  Nick nodded.  "Thanks, Nat."  He looked up at the clock
on the morgue wall.  "I'd better get going.  It's getting late.
Come on, Trace, I'll give you a lift back to the station."

Tracy's clouded face cleared.  "Oh, that's okay, Nick.  Nat and I
are going to get some breakfast.  Thanks, though.  I'll see you
tonight."

He nodded, bid them both good bye, and walked off down the hall.

The two women watched Nick wander off.  He did look lost and had
for months.

"Do you see?"  Tracy asked Natalie.  "I mean, he's like in a coma
or on another planet.  And the Cap has been asking me about him."

"I know, Trace.  I don't know what's wrong with him.  He won't
talk to me either.  Come on."  Natalie pulled off her lab coat
and gave her hands a good scrub before reaching for her
overcoat.  "Let's go get that breakfast and get into it there.
I've got to get out of here."  They started off, Natalie stopping
to give instructions for their newest addition's storage to one
of her assistants.

There were other things about Nick that both of them had noticed
without mentioning it to one another.  They were things most
people wouldn't have noticed.  He hadn't had a hair cut in ages,
his dark blonde curls on the wrong side of unruly now.  And his
dark blue eyes were darker still, aided by the hollow circles
beneath them and by the almost haunted look that stole the usual
mirthful sparkle in them.  And then there was that look, that
empty look that came over his face so often now.  It was....
well, creepy, quite honestly.  They wanted to get to the bottom
of it.  And Natalie thought she would.  Whether Nicholas B.
Knight liked it or not.


"Does it hurt to remember?
Does it help to forget?
Do you know what you started when you lit the fuse of regret?"

Neither of them had any idea how close they had come.  No idea at
all.  They could have, *should* have died that night, and only a
series of small miracles had stopped that.  Why couldn't he stop
thinking about it?  If Lacroix had only kept his vengeful plans
to himself, none of it would have happened.  But did Nick blame
him?  No, not really.  How could he?  He never really could hate
Lacroix.  It was impossible.  And Lacroix had remedied much of
what he had put wrong.  Which was what brought Nick to him to ask
him to stay in Toronto a little longer.  And the General never
could deny a request from his favored son.  Never.

A horn blared, jarring Nick from his thoughts.  He peered up at
the street light, now green, and continued on toward the loft.
He was just unable to stop dwelling on the events of that night,
that terrible night, and it was really affecting his life in ways
he never could have imagined.

Nightmares woke him all day for so long, that now just the
smallest, unsatisfying catnaps were all his body allowed.  He
walked around in a fog, unable to concentrate on anything except
this Suicide Stalker mess.  Their lack of progress was becoming
phenomenal.  He had never had such a bad time catching a killer.
He was back on human blood.  Donated, of course, but Natalie was
unforgiving in this and refused to treat him if he refused to
take her suggestions.  It was almost as though on some
subconscious level she knew what he had almost done.  And what
he hadn't.  He couldn't even seem to pick up and move on.  He
didn't have the energy.  The weight of it all was too heavy for
him to bear and keeping these secrets was like a cancer, eating
away at his resolve.

He found himself in the lift in his warehouse without remembering
the rest of the drive here.  Bad.  Very bad.  He stepped in the
loft, tossing his coat in the vicinity of the coat rack, and he
went to the refrigerator, grabbing blindly at a bottle.  Not
bothering with a glass, he flopped onto the couch, biting the
cork out of the wine bottle and letting it fall, leaving a neat
little spot of blood on his shirt.  He took a long pull at the
cold liquid and shuddered.

Tracy and Natalie were worrying about him.  That much was
obvious, but what to tell them?  How did he explain his funk was
mainly due to the night they both almost died and the horrible
part he had played?  Oh and by the way, Lacroix managed to whammy
it right out of your head, Nat, and you, Trace, well, you were
all ready in a coma, so you didn't need any whammying, which is
good, since you're basically unwhammyable.  So if you guys don't
remember any of it, that's why.

He sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly.  God, he was exhausted.  He
wanted to sleep so badly.  Maybe today....

----------------------------------------------------

Natalie had dropped Tracy off at her car at the police station.
She had assured Tracy that she would get to the bottom of Nick's
misery or die trying. She hoped it wouldn't come to that.  But
how to approach him?  Things had been tense since Nick and
Tracy's shoot out with Dawkins, and though Natalie knew there was
more to it than Nick blaming himself for Tracy's injuries, she
couldn't put her finger on it.  Perhaps it had been the added
pressure of Natalie's illness at the same time.  She had
contracted a nasty virus and been laid up for almost a week.
But it was just a flu strain, not anything as serious as
Tracy's gunshot wounds.

None of it really made sense.

She punched the security code to the lift hesitantly.  Should she
be barging in on him?  They had a real throw down last month when
Natalie had found him drinking blood.  Human blood, to be
precise.  And their tests had come to a screeching halt.  But
this was an emergency.  Nick had to snap out of it, or it could
mean his job.  She climbed into the elevator and steeled herself
for the battle to come.


"Do you still hear 'em screamin'?
And does the fear make you run?
Is the anger inside of you a gift from father to son?"

*********************************************************
Tracy Vetter lays pale and still in a hospital bed, bandaged and
full of tubes.  Muted bleeps fill his ears as he hovers over
her.  His fault, his fault...

"Nick!"

"If she dies, it's my fault."

"How do you know that's what she wants?  And why is it so easy to
consider bringing her across and so impossible to consider
bringing me?"

He had the most horrible urge to slap her.  Instead he rose out
of his chair, silent and wanting to scream, walking past Natalie.

The sting of ammonia and all of those other too sharp hospital
smells still assault his sinuses as he pushes out of the
emergency room exit.  Natalie does not follow him.

My fault, my fault....  His words rang over and over in his
head.  All his fault.  And she was going to die.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We need some help here!"

Blood.... blood on the walls, blood on his hands as she crumples
into his arms, her pale blue eyes so shocked and... full of what,
sorrow?

"You could have trusted me,"  she murmurs.

Yes, sorrow.  He could've trusted her and now it is too late.  If
she had known he could've taken care of it himself, she never
would have been there.  My fault.  My fault.  My fault.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Tracy Vetter passed away twenty minutes ago."

The pain in his chest is unbearable.  And there Natalie is, just
standing there looking at him.  He could have made it right, and
she stopped him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I have faith.  There is a future for us.  Here as we are or
somewhere else.  I believe in you.  I trust in you.  Make love to
me Nick.  Take just a little at a time."

"I'm afraid of what might happen."

"I'm not afraid of death.  Or of an eternity in darkness as long
as I can spend it with you.  All I have is faith and love.  All
I'm asking is for you to make love to me.  I trust you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well... all that remains now is to turn out the lights on the
way out.  Unless, of course, you have decided to add her to our
entourage?  Oh Nicholas... you have thought this through?
Haven't you?"

"I couldn't stop myself.  I've taken too much."

"There she lies, at the brink, Nicholas.  Her fate is in your
hands.  Bring her across or let her die.  You must decide."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I can't condemn her to this darkness."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tracy back in the hospital bed, blue eyes snapping open, glaring
at him accusingly.  "This is your fault, Nick.  All your fault.
Why didn't you tell me?"  Only her mouth wasn't moving, just
those reproachful eyes staring.  "This is your fault.  Your
fault."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lacroix's voice in his head, "Haven't you tired of this incessant
guilt?  Hasn't it swayed your back? And stooped your shoulders to
the point of throwing it off?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This is your own fault, Nicholas,"  Lacroix tells him matter of
factly, and Nick spins to see his master standing in front of the
fireplace in the loft.  The place where he betrayed Natalie so
completely.  He looks back to see Tracy's hospital bed is indeed
in his living room.  He can barely move, and his hand reaches out
in slow motion as he sees Lacroix, still moving quite fluidly,
reach out and grab a handful of Natalie's light brown hair.  He
pulls her to him, his fangs bared, glimmering and ivory.  Nick
tries to take a step toward them, but it is too late....

My fault.  My fault.
*********************************************************


"There's not a reason why you've come undone
There's nothing left to justify, this can't go on
There's nothing left inside as I walk this broken land"

Nick jolted awake, the bottle of blood flying from his hand.  It
hit the floor intact, but its contents spilled out onto his
floor.  Thankfully, he hadn't replaced the rug since the night
that Natalie had come here, the night that Tracy had "died."  He
righted the bottle and went to the kitchen for a towel.  He
touched his forehead tiredly and looked with weary indifference
at the blood sweat on his fingers.  That was what he got for trying
to sleep.

The elevator kicked in, and he jumped again.  Oh, God, what now?
He decided to pretend he didn't hear it and knelt down on the
floor to clean the blood.

He smelled the familiar scent of her before she spoke.  Her
perfume mixed with formaldehyde and other chemicals from her lab
to create a maddening fragrance, and then there was the sweet
smell of her blood, a perfume all its own.  He shoved a hand over
his mouth, wiping at it and then grabbing the half full bottle of
blood beside him.

"Nick?"  Natalie called gently, afraid he might be sleeping.

"Here,"  he answered, his voice breaking.

"Where?"  She stepped into the darkened loft, her eyes adjusting
slowly.

Nick reached for his remote and brought the lights up to half
bright, and then stood up from in front of the couch.  "Here."

"Hi."

"Hi."

"I'm not disturbing you, am I?"

He shook his head, picking up the soiled towel and the bottle.
"What's up?"

"I need to talk to you."

"Okay."  He walked past her, tossing both bottle and towel into
the kitchen sink.  "Take off your coat.  Want something?  I think
there's still coffee around here somewhere.  There's water, but
that's about it."

"No thanks."  She did take off her coat, tossing it onto a dining
chair.  "So, how are you?"

"Just great,"  he said dryly, and Natalie sighed a little.

"Nick, Tracy and I... we're worried about you.  Can you at least
try to talk to me about what's going on?"

"Nat, I wouldn't even know where to begin.  And the truth
probably wouldn't help either of you right now."

"Try me."

He regarded her for a moment, standing there stoically, arms
crossed, watching him calmly.  "You really want to know?"  She
gave a curt nod.  "You asked for it, Nat."  He yanked out a chair
at the table and sat, Natalie doing the same.

Nick raked a hand through his too long hair, letting out a long
breath.  Where to begin....  "The night that Tracy was shot,
things didn't exactly happen the way you remember...."

Tracy was shot, that was true, of course.  And her wounds had
been severe.

"I went to see Lacroix,"  Nick told her.  "I don't know why
really.  Comfort, I guess.  I wasn't getting it from you.  Maybe
I needed someone to tell me that it was okay, what I had almost
done."  He shrugged, and Natalie nodded.  Nick had almost brought
Tracy across that night, and she had stopped him.  That much was
still accurate.

"For all the pain we cause each other, he's still a part of me
that I can't really live without."  Natalie understood this as
well.  Nick had just described their own relationship, from her
point of view, to a tee.

"He was packing, getting ready to move on."  And he told her of
their conversation, how Lacroix cautioned him that his welcome
was worn, and no matter how many loose ends, he should just go.
Be kind to them and leave them be.  Wasn't what had happened to
his partner tonight enough?

"He wanted me to leave with him.  And I wanted to go, to fall
back into that comforting old routine.  Let him rule me again,
and then later, I would run away for awhile just to be collected
back in the end.  It was so tempting."

"But you didn't,"  she said softly.  "And that's so important to
your mortality, Nick.  To your *humanity*.  You didn't want to
leave us behind."

"But I did want to, Nat.  And I almost did after everything
happened.  But I'll get to that.

"So, I came home, and you were here."

"I was?"

He nodded and took a deep breath.  Here she sat, her honest and
trusting face now clouded with bewilderment.  She was not going
to like his story.  Not one bit.

"You were.  And you told me that Tracy had died."

Natalie blinked in shock.  She looked like he'd just leaned over
the table and slapped her face.

"That's right, Nat.  I thought, we both thought that Tracy was
dead, and I blamed myself.  And can you imagine where you picked
up that little bit of knowledge?"

Nat's hazel eyes brightened with the realization.  "Oh my God,
Lacroix,"  she breathed.  "I remember seeing him at the
hospital.  And then the next thing I knew I was on my way here to
tell you that Tracy was gone.  Oh my God.  I *remember*."

"Do you remember anything else?"

She thought for a few moments and then looked up at Nick, tears
in her eyes.  "Yes, I do.  Oh, Nick...."  Natalie covered her
face in her hands.  It was all coming back to her now.  She had
begged, she had pleaded, and she really had him convinced that
there was no other way for her to go on.

*********************************************************
"There is a way.  There is one cure we haven't tried.  Janette
became mortal by making love to Robert.  Taking just a little at
a time."

"It was a lot more complicated than that, Nat."

"I'm willing to take my chances."

"Well, I'm not.  What if I take too much?  I'm not willing to
live a life of eternal pain."

"Is it any different than living a life of eternal regret?  It's
partly my choice too, Nick."
*********************************************************

Oh yes, she had pushed all the right buttons, and he'd yielded.
And he couldn't control himself, couldn't control the beast
within him.  And he had drained her almost to the point of
death.  And Lacroix had let him believe that there was no hope
for her.  Death or darkness.  And Nick had chosen.

"You were going to... let me die, Nick?"

"Yes.  And I was going to follow you."

*********************************************************
"She had faith in me.  In what's beyond.  That we could have a
life together.  That this would be a beginning, not an end.  I
have that faith, too."

"Don't be foolish, Nicholas."
*********************************************************

"I wanted him to do it, Nat.  I couldn't live with your ghost."

"Oh, Nick...."

"He thought that this whole mess would make me leave with him.
If I thought my affairs were settled, I would be free.  Cut or
tied, I guess, those loose ends at least would be taken care of.
So he convinced you Tracy was dead, you came to me, and we were
pushed over that edge.  And he knew that I cared for you so much
that I would lose control and take too much.  And so he waited until
you were right there on the brink of death, and he came to 'save'
me.  What he didn't count on was my asking him to end my life."

Natalie's forehead crumbled.  He'd been ready to sacrifice his
life for her?  And she thought he didn't care.  "Why?  Why him?"

*********************************************************
"You are my closest friend."
*********************************************************

"It seemed like the right thing,"  Nick answered softly.  "But he
wouldn't.  He almost did, I think.  Better to let me die if he
couldn't have me.  But he couldn't."


"You will discover the way to suffer
And like no other you feed the fire"

*********************************************************
"DAMN YOU, NICHOLAS!"  Lacroix plunges the wooden staff, not
through Nick's heart, but at the fireplace, and it splinters under
the force of centuries of pain and regret and the most fierce love
he has ever felt for anyone.  He never would take the life of this
child, his golden Nicholas, no matter how far he was pushed.

"I WON'T!"  he roars at Nick, and Lacroix grabs his shoulders,
spinning him to see his face.  "We'll take care of the doctor.
And your lovely partner is alive.  Not well, perhaps, but she
will be."

Nick's eyes fill with confused tears.  "What?  Lacroix... what
have you done?"

"I am trying to keep you alive, Nicholas.  And if having your
doctor is what it will take, than have her.  But do not do this
to me again.  I warn you.  Even for you my patience is not
infinite.  I will arrange for your doctor to be seen to."

Lacroix moves away, using the cellular phone in his pocket to
call a trusted friend, one who will be able to see that Doctor
Lambert will have the blood she needs without a hospital visit
and all of the explanations they did not have.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nick closes Natalie's apartment door behind him, assuring himself
that it is locked.  He left Natalie resting comfortably with
Sidney firmly planted on her chest.  When she woke, she would
believe her fatigue was a result of a flu bug.  She would not
remember believing that Tracy was dead or what had happened at
the loft.  Thanks to Lacroix, her memories are mercifully free
of the night's events after she left Tracy at the hospital.

Nick returns to his warehouse, one of the few places over the
centuries that he really considers a home, and finds Lacroix
still there.

"Lacroix, thank you for your help with Natalie,"  he says softly
to Lacroix's back.

"Like you, Nicholas, I find, on occasion, the pressing need to
make things right.  It does not happen very often."

Nick places a hand on his master's shoulder.  "Why do you do
these things?  You know it doesn't matter where we are, we are
always together.  Distance means nothing to us really.  Why do
you try so hard to keep me at your side?"

Lacroix's own hand reaches up, covering Nick's.  "I fear for your
safety at times, Nicholas.  I worry that one day you will kill
yourself in search of this cure of yours.  I like to keep you
close to me."

Nick pulls his hand away and moves around the chair, kneeling in
front of his master.  "Or is it because you are afraid I might
succeed?"

"Do not press me, Nicholas."

"I'm not trying to press you.  I really want to know."

"Your success will never release you from our bond.  You must
know that.  Even Janette could not completely sever the link
between us.  And she and I....  We may have been kindred spirits,
but you and I are connected in ways even Janette could not
imagine.  You will never be rid of me, Nicholas."

And Lacroix rises from the chair, heading toward the center of
the room for a better take off.  Nick is still crouched on the
floor, and he hangs his head for the words he is about to speak.

"Don't go."

Lacroix turns back.  "What?"

Nick gets to his feet and walks toward Lacroix.  "Don't go.
Don't leave the city.  Stay a little longer."

"Why?  If distances mean nothing, why should you care where I
am?"

"Because I don't want you to leave.  I... want to know you again,
Lacroix.  When I said you were my closest friend, whether you believe
it or not, it *is* true.  I would like to get that back.
Or at least try.  So, I am asking you, as a favor, don't go."

Lacroix regards Nick's face for a moment, the clean beauty of
it.  Still after all these years, he looks like an angel to
Lacroix.  And he sees that his son is speaking the truth; he
does want him to stay.  "As you wish, Nicholas."

And on an impulse, Nick reaches out and embraces him.  Lacroix,
surprised, accepts and returns the fierce embrace and then,
suddenly, is gone through the skylight.
*********************************************************

"And then the next night, I came to your apartment to check on
you.  And all you remembered was that a flu bug had really
knocked you for a loop and you were better, but still recuperating.
And that Tracy was going to be okay with a little time."

He looked into Natalie's face.  He knew as he had told the story
that Natalie was remembering her participation along with him.
She swallowed. "Nick, what happened, none of it is your fault."

He barked out a bitter laugh.  "Of course it is, Nat.  You and
Tracy both almost died because of me.  I almost brought her
across, and I almost killed you."

She shook her head.  "Nick, you were doing what you thought was
right.  I can accept that.

"But for all your reasons, and I know you have them, I still don't
understand you.  I don't pretend that I ever will. But why do you let
it fester?  Why can't you just move on?  I'm angry and I feel
betrayed, but I don't hate you.  I'll get over it.

"And Tracy is worried about you.  She doesn't remember anything
about the shooting.  She doesn't remember what she saw.
Everything is okay.  You need to snap out of this.  Reese finally
mentioned it to Tracy.  He knows there's something wrong with
you."

"Ah, Nat....  I'm sorry.  I am.  I've just been carrying this
around, and I haven't been sleeping at all.  Nightmares like you
wouldn't believe.  I'm so tired."

"Well then you need to talk to Reese about a vacation.  Because
you have to put a stop to this."

He nodded tiredly.

"Nick, promise?"

"I'm not very good at keeping promises these days."

Natalie sighed and walked over to him.  "Nick, you are still my
friend.  I don't want to see you lose everything over something
that you can't change."

He nodded again, refusing to look at her.

"Don't beat yourself up about it.  Tracy's okay.  I'm okay."

"Are you sure?"  he asked, looking up at her.  "You're really okay?"

"I am.  Really.  What happened has opened my eyes, I guess.  You
were always right.  You can't have a real relationship, at least
not on that level, and I can live with that.  And I know that you
can.  Please try and leave it behind."

"Thanks, Nat.  I feel better all ready just getting that out.  I
should've known you would understand."

"Sure, Nick."  And she hugged him, his head against her breast,
his arms tight around her middle.

"I do love you, Natalie,"  he sighed into her sweater.

"I love you, too, Nick."  She kissed the top of his head.  "But
get a haircut, okay?"

He laughed suddenly, still holding onto her.  He couldn't let
go.  Natalie joined his laughter, and it felt good.  Maybe things
would be okay between them.  No more pressure, no more dancing.
They knew it wasn't possible for them, and it was okay.  They
still had each other.

"You can't hide and you can't run
All your dreams have come and gone living on a paper sun"

END

----------------------------------------------------
all comments welcome at feendish@rcn.com
all flames.... not so welcome

**Author's note: Now I know and you know that Tracy was covered
up and wheeled away during the course of "Last Knight." But
what kind of DarkPerk would I be if I let our favorite gal stay
dead? Not a very good one. So I have chosen to delete that
scene from my memory, as have most DPs. Thank you for your
understanding.  -feens