October--a Forever Knight Story By April French ~~~ Author's Note: I've been planning this story for a while now, but it was finally put into motion by Stacy's wonderful story "Point of Suspension." Thanks, Stacy! Timeline-wise, it might be considered to precede my story 'Rear View Mirror.' Nick and LaCroix belong to Sony Tri-Star, the song belongs to Evanescence, and everything else belongs to me. Praise, comments, criticisms and kudos will be gratefully accepted and tenderly bandaged. All nasty flames will be used to etch your name into a nice pointy stake. This story will be archived at my site, http://www.geocities.com/runeshard/fkficindex.html along with all the others. Permission to archive is given to FKFIC, FKFIC2 and the FTP site. All others must first bribe me with Halloween candy. ~~~ October (1/1) I knew he was standing in the doorway, waiting for some sign that I would acknowledge him, but I kept my eyes trained on the flickering flames. I did not look at him. I could not. I did not trust my sight not to betray me. I slowly opened my mouth, and I was pleased to hear that my tone was steady, neutral. A highly inaccurate description of my state of mind... "Why are you here, Nicholas?" "I..." His voice failed him, but I was patient. "I've come to ask you... to... to forgive me." Badly startled, I turned, expecting deception and searching for it. But his eyes--so like her eyes--his eyes told me everything. I can't run anymore I fall before you Here I am I have nothing left Though I've tried to forget You're all that I am Take me home He came and fell at the side of my bed, his blond head bowed. "I can't hide from it anymore." "'It'?" "From myself, from what I am. From what you made me. From you." The emotion pouring from him through our bond was overwhelming to me in my weakened state. I'm through fighting it Broken Lifeless I give up "I give up." You're my only strength Without you I can't go on Anymore Ever again "All these months since I... I tried to..." He could not or would not say it, but the wound over my heart was enough explanation for both of us. "Ever since you went away, LaCroix, I've been so lost. All the times I tried to walk away from you... but this time, when I thought I'd... killed... you..." He took my hand in his and pressed it to his forehead. The depth of the boy's despair was beyond tears. "I was wrong," he said simply. "And I'm sorry." Painful though it was, I sat up and pulled my prodigal son into an embrace. "Do you understand now, foolish child?" I asked, my voice husky with emotion. "To let you go is to give up a part of myself, a vital part. I tell you that you cannot survive without me." He nodded against my chest, chafing my wound, but I ignored it. "I tell you now that the reverse is true: I cannot survive without ." I inhaled his scent of oranges and wood smoke, sumac and ginger. "By the gods, Nicholas, you are everything to me." My only hope (All the times I've tried) My only peace (To walk away from you) My only joy My only strength (I fall into your abounding grace) My only power My only life (And love is where I am) My only love "I never understood that," he murmured. "None of my fledglings ever meant so much to me." I breathed against his loose blond curls, watching them quiver. "You never gave any of them the chance," I reminded him quietly. Reluctantly, he nodded again, and then twitched. "You're bleeding," he realized, his eyes widening in horror. "I'm not whole yet," I said, trying not to clench my teeth. The cold blood was seeping through the bandages around my torso and trickling down my front. "Call for someone," I ordered. Nicholas shook his head. "No," and he began to gently unwind the long bandages. I can't run anymore I give myself to you I'm sorry I'm sorry In all my bitterness I ignored All that's real and true All I need is you I lay there quietly in the dim light, allowing Nicholas to tend to the burns and the great puncture that he had inflicted. There were salves and ointments and extra bandages on a bedside table, and these Nicholas used with skill... and a measure of tenderness. When night falls on me I'll not close my eyes I'm too alive And you're too strong I can't lie anymore I fall down before you I'm sorry I'm sorry By the time he had finished his ministrations, I had grown weary with pain and the fatigue brought on by my long convalescence. Nicholas saw this. He pulled the bedclothes up to my chin as though I was a five-year-old child. Then he dropped down to one knee, leaned forward, and kissed me on the forehead. "I'll stay with you while you sleep," he promised. "And when you awake, I will be here." Constantly ignoring The pain consuming me But this time it's cut too deep I'll never stray again That was in October. When I finally woke in truth, two months later, my caretakers assured me that not only had Nicholas not been there, he seemed to be living his life quite well without me, an ocean away. My just-healed heart contracted, and strained to beat frantically. My only hope My only peace My only joy My only strength My only power My only life My only love... And I may write without shame that when I was again alone, I wept at the cruel deception of dreams. ~Finis--July 2nd~ April French daomir_darkfell@yahoo.com ~Forever Knight: The Sons of Lilith~ http://www.geocities.com/runeshard/fkficindex.html ~The Corvina~ http://www.geocities.com/runeshard/index.html "And we shall exist by amusing ourselves, by dreaming of monstrous loves and fantastic universes, by complaining and quarreling with the pretenses of the world..." --"The Flash of Lightning" by Arthur Rimbaud