Confessions by Kristen Fife Tracy pulled up in front of the loft, the sun still above the summer horizon. She parked her car and headed inside, entering the security code she had gotten from Nick. She walked into the garage and over to the lift, noting the Caddy sitting silently in its bay. She smiled and determined to ask if he had bought the car new or used. She walked into the lift and hit the button for the second floor. As the lift rumbled to life, she thought about the questions she wanted to ask Nick. So many things made more sense now. She had thought about his confession and her brief conversation with him and Natalie in the Morgue the previous evening. She needed to know more about the local community and why it was so much more of a threat to her than the Enforcers. As the lift stopped and the door opened, she stepped into the dimly lit loft. The large windows were tightly shut, closing out the light of the dying day. She slowly stepped into the living room, hesitant to call out to Nick. Finally, she did, softly. "Nick? Are you here? It's Tracy." "Hi Tracy, I'm here. What time is it?" Nick was standing at the top of the stairs in his pajamas, his blond hair tousled. She grinned at the sight of her usually perfectly dressed and groomed partner looking like a little kid. "Hi Nick. It's about 4:30. Sorry if I woke you up. But I'm taking you up on your offer...we need to talk." He shook his head and sighed. "OK, let me wake up a bit and I'll be right down. If you want something to drink, I think there's some coffee in the freezer. Nat keeps it over here for when she stays late." He turned around and went back into the bedroom, closing the door behind him. Tracy went into the kitchen and began hunting around, finally finding a small coffee maker. She looked in the freezer, and sure enough, there was some coffee. She opened it and took a tentative sniff, expecting it to be stale, but it smelled OK. She smiled and began to make a carafe for herself, just as she heard the shower start. Fifteen minutes later, Nick came back downstairs, his hair wet and slicked back, dressed in jeans and a green silk shirt. He lifted an eyebrow. "I see you found the coffee. If you need any cream or sugar, it's in the cabinet beside the dishwasher." Tracy shook her head. "No, black is fine." He leaned against the counter, studying his partner. She returned his gaze, taking her time. She had decided that Nick needed a bit of a lesson in "turn about is fair play" and was not going to hurry this conversation at all. Although initially a small smile crossed his lips, he soon started to fidget. He realized that this was conversation might *possibly* become a bit more than just...uncomfortable for him. He cleared his throat and glanced at Tracy, who was looking at him coolly. Finally, she walked over to the living area and sat down in one of the black leather chairs facing the sofa. Nick reluctantly followed her and sat down on the sofa. "So Nick, we have a lot to talk about. Let's start with the local Community and why you think they are even more of a danger to me than the Enforcers. If I understand correctly, the Enforcers are sort of like a cross between the Mafia and the RCMP. Makes you sort of wonder how any of the civilian vampires could be worse than them." She sat looking at him, a mask of indifference in place, sipping her coffee. Nick sighed. When Tracy got in this sort of mood it was difficult to make her see reason of any sort. Where to start... "Before I start on this, I want you to know that I am going to tell you things I have told very few mortals over the centuries. Natalie knows some of this, but not even she knows all of what I'm about to tell you. One of the first things you should know about is my Master, LaCroix. You've met him, and anything your instincts have told you about him being 'creepy' don't even begin to scratch the surface. LaCroix is 2000 years old; he used to be a General in the Roman Imperial Army. That's Rome as in Caesar, aqueducts, roads, builders of Western civilization." He had seen her eyes go wide when he mentioned Rome, so he hit the point home. "He is used to being obeyed, without question. I would also characterize him as a more than a bit of a control freak." He chuckled, for he had never applied those very descriptive, and apt, words to his sire. "He is what is considered an Ancient, which is any vampire more than a millennium old. Because of his age, he is the de facto leader of the local Community. Our society is based in large part on age, since generally the older a vampire is, the stronger he or she is in strength." He paused to let her absorb some of the information. "In 1228, LaCroix was in Paris with his fledgling Janette. I was also in the city at that time, returning from the Crusades in the Holy Land. You see, I was a knight of the Church." He smiled at the look of incredulity on her face. "Yes, the Catholic Church. Anyway, Janette saw me in a tavern and took a fancy to me. I was very disillusioned with the Church, for I had been sent to the Crusades as punishment for loving the wrong woman, after I had been framed for her murder. When Janette saw me and decided to seduce me, I was heartily disgusted with the Church and 'civilization'. I had also spent six years in the midst of one of the bloodiest, cruelest, most brutal areas of the world." He stopped to reflect that some things in the Middle East had changed very little over the intervening centuries. "Tracy, in order to survive in the Holy Land, I was forced to commit atrocities which I had never dreamed of. The terms rape, pillage, and burn took on new meaning for me during those years. When I returned to Europe I was a hardened and despicable person. I was ripe for the lure of immortality and the promise of retribution on those who had stolen my youth, dreams, faith and any innocence I might once have possessed. I had already started down the path of evil and self-destruction imposed on me by circumstances. When Janette found me in that tavern in Paris, I was exactly what a vampire would want most in a new fledgling. She inflamed my lust, and led me to a rich city house and then she wove a spell over me. I fell asleep, and while I was, LaCroix came in and brought me across. I had no idea what was going on. When I awoke, I was a vampire. I was gripped by First Hunger, which is incredibly savage. You can barely control yourself. LaCroix and Janette had brought a young woman to be my first kill, and with their combined wills upon me, I made my first kill. The first of thousands." His face and voice took on a note of infinite sadness as he once again relived that fateful moment. Blinking so that he didn't start to weep bloodtears, he continued on. "For several hundred years, the three of us traveled the world together. We hunted and fed, treating mortals as no more than cattle. We saw ourselves as superior and treated the 'lower species' as nothing more than diversions, or a food source. Janette and I were lovers as well as vampiric siblings. I was deeply in love with her, and never ceased to be enchanted by her passion. She was, and is, a strong and marvelously complex person. She treated me as an equal. LaCroix, on the other hand, saw me as a toy or sometimes as a pet. He considered me his 'creation' and therefore a possession. That point of view has changed very little over the intervening centuries." He paused to look at her and see how she was handling the story he was relating to her. She was enthralled with his tale, leaning forward while he spoke. He continued on. "LaCroix and I have had many arguments, most of them violent, over the centuries. Usually they revolve around me trying to get out from under his domination and control. And believe me when I say 'domination'. Occasionally we will reach an uneasy truce for a few decades at a time, but something always happens to inflame his temper or mine. In the last two centuries or so, it has been because of my...change of heart, I guess you would call it." He paused, gathering his thoughts. "One of LaCroix's greatest weapons is his mind. He has an incredibly subtle and well-honed intellect. He can think circles around most people. Because of this, he has taken to playing mind-games with me instead of just trying to physically assert his will alone over the centuries. He has found that to be a much more amusing diversion. And, hurting those I care about or using them as pawns is something he would not, and has not, hesitated, to do many times in the past." He stopped in his narrative to look at her. She was still enraptured by what he was telling her. "Tracy, do you understand what I'm saying? Do you begin to have some idea why your knowledge of my nature *cannot* become known, especially within the Toronto Community? LaCroix is the leader, and sooner or later he learns *everything* that goes on here. It doesn't matter how he finds out. It could cost you more than your life." Finally Tracy looked at him, her brow wrinkling in concentration. "OK Nick, I can buy that your Master is dangerous. But answer me this: why hasn't he gone after Natalie? Surely he knows about her and your...search for a way to become human again?" The defiance in her tone made him sigh. He looked at her, and weighed how much to truly tell her. If Nat ever found out about that night at the Azure... "Yes, he does know that Natalie is helping me. The reason he hasn't 'gone after her', as you put it, is because at one point he TRIED to do so and I faked him out, so to speak. I pretended to him that Natalie was nothing more to me than a tool, someone I was using to gain my own ends, using her for her scientific and medical knowledge. Luckily his own twisted ego believed it. I've been trying to keep that masquerade up ever since." He hadn't looked at her when he said that last bit. Tracy watched him as he said the words, and saw an incredible pain cross his face, and heard loss in his voice. Suddenly the pieces fell into place. Finally she understood part of their relationship, why they always put on the facade of being "just friends", and the reason Nick always kept Nat at arm's length. She didn't say anything, but so much was now clear about her partner. Her heart went out to him in sympathy and compassion. "OK Nick, let's move on for now. I guess my next question is, what made you change? Why do you want to become a mortal again? And, while we're at it, why are you a cop?" He looked up at her. "Well, let's start with the easy question first. Why I'm a cop. Several reasons, really. Since I spent over six hundred years as a brutal killer, I understand the murderer's mindset better than you can possibly imagine. There is also the fact that I need a profession that will allow me to work nights only and where some of my vampiric abilities can be an asset. And, as I'm sure Vachon has told you, every few years we have to leave our life behind so that we maintain our secrets. Trust me, if YOU did the same thing every night for hundreds of years, you'd get bored. We change our professions every so often. You'd be amazed at some of the career choices of vampires. And, finally, I've been trying to expiate some of my sins by helping society out, catching the killers I can so easily identify with." The bitterness in his voice wasn't lost on her. She finally began to understand her complex and haunted partner so much better. "Now on to the $64,000 question. Why did I change? The truth is, I have no idea. I'm an aberration. LaCroix tried to condition my guilt out of me for two centuries, only to have it resurface in the last two hundred years. At first I tried to justify my existence by only preying on brutal criminals, those who were already breaking society's laws and 'deserved' to die. But eventually, even that became something I couldn't live with. Finally, I quit hunting and drinking human blood. Now I drink only cow's blood." He laughed brittlely. " I guess you could say I'm as close to a vegetarian as a vampire can get and still survive." He looked at her, trying to gauge her reaction to the knowledge that he was a cold-blooded killer. Her expression was unreadable. "So now for the final piece: why try and regain my mortality? I guess I feel that my life these last 800-odd years have been a...cheat. That I was never meant to be vampire. That maybe, just maybe, if I get a chance to live a normal mortal life, I'll be able to make amends for all the horror I've caused over the centuries. Can you imagine, Tracy? Being the only one of your kind to feel...differently about what everyone else takes for granted. To watch those you love and care for grow old and die around you. To know that the kiss of the summer sun is death, the price you pay for this eternal hell and damnation? The constant thirst for blood and the daily struggle against the predator inside of you? And, above all, to never be able to love anyone worthy of being loved, knowing that if you try she will most likely end up dead? I don't have to imagine it. I live it every day. I'm too much of a coward to even end my own life. Or maybe the roots of my mortal faith are too strong, and the belief that suicide is not only wrong but morally reprehensible and an act that can NEVER be forgiven. I don't know. Perhaps finding my way back to mortality is the one thing that I believe will convince me that I HAVE been redeemed." He sighed. "But whatever, it doesn't matter. Nat's been trying for six years, and although some things have seemed to help more than others, the truth of the matter is that I'm still a vampire, and probably will remain so for quite some time in the foreseeable future." His voice dripped with despair and fatalism. Finally, he looked back at her. "So now that you know more about me, I understand if you want a new partner. I wouldn't be comfortable knowing what an evil being I was with every night." She scowled. "Nick, that is one of the *stupidest* things you have EVER said to me. Why would we go through all of this if I was just going to get *rid* of you? Get a clue, Fangboy. You are stuck with me. No more secrets. And for your information, I will promise you that I won't let anyone, including Vachon, know that I know about your...nature. My life is screwed up enough with ONE overbearing father, let alone inheriting yours. By the way, I expect you to buy me dinner. Can I order a pizza?" Nick looked at her, shock on his face combined with a smile of sheer wonder. "Tracy, you can order as many pizzas as you want, and I'll be happy to pay for them for the rest of your natural born life. You have no idea how much your friendship and partnership means to me." He got up and walked over, and pulled her to her feet, startling her by pulling her into a tight hug. "Tracy, thank you. I swear to you, I won't let you down." "You're welcome. Now, about that pizza?..."